queers in love at the end of the year

what a year. i did a lot of stuff this year. what did i do?

i made the hardest decision of my life. i’ve begun learning to love myself. it’s hard. uncontrollable tears have become an unscheduled part of my daily routine. but i’m allowing myself to process feelings i never before had the space to. i am Getting Better. i am learning to Treat Myself Better. i’ve begun to invite queer witchcraft into my life. i started reading tarot again this year, only for my lovers and myself as of yet. bee gave me a crystal necklace to wear – rose quartz, for “radical self love.” i’m making that my mission for 2014.

i got a bunch of kids to start making games. i created the “game designer” skill for diy.org – a community of kids making rad stuff and encouraging each other to do more of it. like, play this game and tell me you can feel in any way pessimistic about the future of games. in 2012 i wrote rise of the videogame zinesters, in 2013 i watched you rise, rise, rise.

i wrote a book about a community of teen game-makers. i finished the manuscript to my third book, zzt, last week. it’s a book about game-making, outsider art, growing up trans, being a queer teen. it’s archaeology. it’s autobiography. it’s a book i feel i’ve been preparing to write my entire life. it’s coming out in a few months. you can pre-order it now.

i founded annarchive. a torrent site hosting thousands of pieces of game (digital and otherwise) history went down this past year, and in the interest of keeping many of those artifacts available, and with a generous donation of space from a sponsor, i started annarchive. this is my attempt to keep a little bit of games’ hidden history from slipping away from us just yet.

i finally started selling my games. part of learning to love myself is valuing my work and my time. it’s no longer acceptable that i allow myself to do so much work and then have to still struggle to figure out how to pay rent and food. this year i started selling games on gumroad and the amazing itch.io. i’ve made $971 so far (a good portion of which i spent visiting merritt in november).

i reconnected with my best friend. jetta was there for me in my hardest moments and i’m glad she has become a fixture of my life again. she’s the only other domme i trust in all of kink. one of the first things we’re publishing through our new zine distro is a zine about consent for tops, in fact. oh: we’re starting a zine distro next month! it’s gonna be called KISSING COVENS.

i reconnected with my family. i wore a dress around my relatives on christmas eve and NOTHING BAD HAPPENED. at home for christmas, staying in a room that used to be my room but was later my younger sister’s room, filled with a sewing machine and a pink guitar and books about punk and how-to guides to being a radical girl film director, i finally understood what merritt got out of gone home. i just had to actually go home to experience it.

merritt and i celebrated our anniversary. long distance relationships suck. but my fawn and i helped each other through an incredible number of changes in each other’s lives since we first hooked up last november. i’m amazed so much could happen in a single year. in detroit in june, we taught a little kid and her mother how to make their first game. i have never been more in love with this girl.

i started dating bee. this colorful little bug fluttered into my life in a time that was full of changes, and i’m so glad they alighted on my spider’s web. our relationship is the something new that reminds me to stay excited for each new day. 2014 is gonna be, like. wow. i don’t even know. unbelievable.

game of the year. ugh, you know i hate answering this. okay, if i have to name a game that was made in 2013 that is my favorite game i played in 2013, it’s bruno faidutti’s mascarade. it’s incredible, tense, wicked, excellent. i’m getting another game together next week. most of the games that inspired me in 2013, that got me excited about game-making again, weren’t digital games. the work of liam liwanag burke, joe mcdaldno, seiji kanai. i read the new games book for the first time, and though the book was published in the 70s, it provides the vision of what i want 2014 in games to look like.

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